Today my new friend John shared a tragic story on his blog. For some reason I felt compelled to share how I felt about my dad and how death has affected me. Sometimes I just think how it would be different had he not died. The two most important people in my life, will never get to know the man that I loved and loved me. I can’t imagine someone NOT liking him, he was that guy. I only hope he is proud of me.

The point of this post is to share the comment I left on John’s blog.

My dad died 1 month before my girlfriend got pregnant (I was 18). It was at the end of my first college semester. I took time off school, completed the classes, but never went back.

I tear up as I write about stuff like that. It’s something that I took really hard for a while and just kind of put away. Now when I talk or write about it, it’s really hard for me.

I was always pretty close with my dad and the months before he died we had grown farther apart. I always tried to make it better, then he would call me drunk and say mean things. He never did that to me ever… I didn’t know how to handle it. I was always his boy, and for him to treat me that way I was heartbroken. Through that hurt I wanted to hate him.

I watch these dumb shows and these kids get to make up with their father etc (that dumbass teen mom show!) I’ll never get to do that :-/

Thanks for the vent man, your not alone

Words of a Poet is officially on Facebook. I’ve had some success with growing Facebook fan pages for my other websites, so I hope this one will do well also.

Words of a Poet is over 2 years old now, so we have accumulated quite a few poems. Of course we have a few of our favorites, but we’ve also seen an increase of submissions lately. Please feel free to submit anything you would like to see published.

With our Facebook page we will include my poems (I’ve got 70 on here so we have plenty to share) as well as submitted and famous poetry. With a poem updated daily I hope this well help us grow, find new poets, and have a great place to discuss them.

I want to give a big thank you to Candy over at Serendipity Mommy for making me a great button. Within a few hours she had it made up for me! Perfect.

Become a fan of Words of a Poet on Facebook.

Last year I posted this poem, and I plan to do so every year in your memory. I hope you know that it’s hard for me to do, I cry every time I publish this poem.

I think I was too young to really try to sort through all of my unresolved conflicts with you, your death, and really just everything in my life at the time. It’s the turning point in someones life and then you leave me. I don’t know if I’ve done my best, but I hope you are proud of me. The happiest moments in my life were when you said you were proud of me. The lowest, were when I knew you were disappointed, I remember all very clearly.

My son talks about you. He knows you are his grandpa, but he’s too young to know, well, yeah. One time he told me “Is grandpa at the store?”… no. He’s smart and funny, it’s hard to imagine how much you would of spoiled him. I can imagine you and him together.

Happy Father’s Day

This poem was written in 2005 and first published here in 2007.

In Everything, I Find You

I’ve been reading about you every day
each story is different
but in my heart its all the same.
A loss so great with little reward
you brought the family together, after breaking our hearts
It’s impossible to miss you more,
but each day I do.
Each day theres some memory fresh and new
that brings me back thinking about you.

My father, my friend, my protector
My laugh, my smile, my trust
My eyes, my tears, my brain
My humor, my heart, my kindness
My life…
Your reflection…
and theres no one else I’d rather be

By Matthew Henrickson
April 4th, 2005

You can also read last year’s Father’s Day letter.

I don’t go visit him anymore, I don’t know why. When he first died I would drive out to the cemetery in the middle of the night just to be close. Close to him, his memory… I don’t know. Now I don’t even bother and I don’t know why. Why did I fight to keep his ashes near me and not visit him? Just so I’d be able to?

I think that’s why I dream about him so much. I remember him so clearly and I know I always will. Just everything about him. But I repress that, the memories sometimes, and it just comes out in dreams. Maybe to get back at me for not visiting him. Torturing me with thoughts of him still being alive.

Sometimes I see people that look like him and just feel the urge to talk to them. To see if they sound like him, or act like he does. It sounds stupid and childish. Maybe they have a piece of him. Sometimes they don’t even look like him, and I’m kidding myself.

I don’t even talk to my brothers/sisters from my dads side. I feel bad, but I never really connected with them, it was all kind of forced, or rather my dad was the glue. Edward was mean to me up until maybe 1-2 visits before he died. And when he died he acted like a child. Why did I have to be more mature?

I got more time with him than anyone, but I never took that for granted for one second. Did they ever think that maybe for that reason, it was harder on me than them? Unfortunately, they were without him for a while, I never was. I guess thats my resentment.

All these feelings never dealt with are now coming out in the weirdest ways. Like this post.

Today is my 23rd birthday. I woke up to a wonderful surprise and received one of the best cards ever. Along with this card was a dozen roses.

My One And Only

“My one-and-only”
is an old-fashioned phrase
that people used to use
in old songs and movies.

But it perfectly describes
the treasure that dropped
into my life
the day I met you.

Since then,
our love has grown
deeper and stronger,
into a trusting bond.

Sure, we have challenges
like any couple,
but we work
through them together.

And although life may not be perfect,
the love I feel for you is.

So on your birthday,
I say with all my heart
that you’ve made me
unspeakably happy.

And althought it might sound
old-fashioned to say-\
you are
and always will be
“my one-and-only”.

Written by Emily Larkin

Even thought we’re not going out partying, I still hope you have an Amazing Day!

Love Emma.

Read the question then come up with an answer. Give it some thought and then scroll down to the bottom for the result. This is not a trick question. It is as it reads.

A woman, while at the funeral for her own mother, met this guy whom she did not know. She thought this guy was amazing! She fell in love with him right there, but never asked for his number and could not find him later. A few days later she killed her sister.

Question: What is her motive in killing her sister?

To find the answer click the link and scroll down.

Today is Father’s Day, putting up all of these great Father’s Day poems have made me miss you even more. Father’s Day is a little bit easier, I don’t have to think about you so much. I am now a Father and have my own son to celebrate it with. I wish you would of been able to see him. He is so beautiful, you would of loved him so much. I am very proud of him, just as you were of me.

Happy Father’s Day.

This poem I wrote a long time ago, and have already published here. I thought I would again just for this occasion.

In Everything, I Find You

I’ve been reading about you every day
each story is different
but in my heart its all the same.
A loss so great with little reward
you brought the family together, after breaking our hearts
It’s impossible to miss you more,
but each day I do.
Each day theres some memory fresh and new
that brings me back thinking about you.

My father, my friend, my protector
My laugh, my smile, my trust
My eyes, my tears, my brain
My humor, my heart, my kindness
My life…
Your reflection…
and theres no one else I’d rather be

By Matthew Henrickson
April 4th, 2005

I dreamt about you last night. I don’t know why you were so mean. Maybe because we haven’t talked in a while. I haven’t seen you. Where have you been?

I remember crying in the dream. You were being really hard on me and I couldn’t take it.

It was one of those things where you weren’t really dead. That you faked your death. I always dream that. That you aren’t dead and just went away for a while. I don’t know why. Maybe because I never really saw you dead.

I always knew you and Emma would like eachother. I tell her that all the time. You guys had a great time in my dream, even if it wasn’t real.

I miss you. I talk about you a lot. Think about you a lot, especially when I am doing the things we always used to do. Emma must be tired of hearing about you.

I can’t wait until Matthew is big enough to learn and know about you. I can take him to do all the stuff we did. Create those memories that we have.

The Razors Jaw

I’m falling and falling… I hit the ground
I can’t get up and look around
I’m stuck in a deep dark hole
And it’s eating my soul.
I can feel it’s fangs ripping into me
Tearing so violently
There’s no point in fighting
I can’t stop his vicious biting
He soon swallows me whole
Succeeding in his goal.

I felt so alone during the time when I wrote a lot of these poems. It just burned inside. Nothing is perfect, but I put myself out so much, that’s just the way I am. Of course that means you will be hurt a lot. The Razors Jaw is just what it sounds like. The reference is to cutting myself. I used to get very upset and it would calm me down.

I can feel it all
Still suffering from my fall
My arms bleeding… soon to scar
My deepest cuts by far
The Razors teeth sink into my skin
It smiles with a grin
He knows he’s won
He knows I’m done.

Falling would just be the feeling I felt. Never can get my feet down. I cut sometimes, never too deep, just more scratches than anything. They are gone now…

The dark place… the black hole… it’s what I feel
Yet the hole I try to conceal
But I always fall in
Falling and Falling until I’m sucked in
I try to let the light show through
Yet it soon turns to blue
And finally… goes out
It’s dark again.

Darkness was how I felt with everything. I was needy in a sense I wanted someone always there with me. Even then the ‘lights’ never turned back on. Even though I had people surrounding me and helping so much, they always found a way to let me down in the end.

It’s tough to read poems like that and kind of feel what I felt again. I am thankful I had poetry among other things to express myself. If I didn’t have a paper and a pen with me at all times I don’t know what I would of done.

I still turn to that now, as you can see about the poem I just wrote last night.

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The contest is pretty easy with a little twist. To get started, subscribe to their RSS feed. Sometime before the end of August they will post a secret word in their RSS feed. When you see the word you email it to contest@invesp.com. One entry will be picked at random, that person will win 300$.

If the winner is a member of their mybloglog community that total goes up to 400$