When it comes to friendships, relationships, and just general things in life it’s tough to set a part what is true and real. Your heart and your love is so strong on so many levels, your eye can be blind to the truth. When it comes to certain things, I like to reflect on this quote:
“Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.”
by Albert Einstein
I finally was able to watch Eclipse from the Twilight Saga. In the opening with Bella, she recites a poem. Of course it got my attention. After looking it up I realized why, it’s by Robert Frost.
Fire and Ice
Some say the world will end in fire,
Some say in ice.
From what I’ve tasted of desire
I hold with those who favor fire.
But if it had to perish twice,
I think I know enough of hate
To say that for destruction ice
Is also great,
And would suffice.
by Robert Frost
I am surprised I never have read this poem before, it’s apparently one of his most famous poems. However, The Road Not Taken is obviously my favorite one. Because I took the road less traveled by.
I know I had the real thing once
It belonged to me
I did my best to protect it
Until it escaped me
I didn’t know I lost it right away
The appearance remained to stay
Your phantom heart was there
While your real one left one day
Your phantom heart still beats for me
Or the illusion continues to be
The one that is here right now
Is not real at all, even though it pretends to be
I love you more than love
But my love appears to be blind
If it’s not me you love
And I’m not the one on your mind
Then it’s time to end this race
Because in the game of love
There is no second place
by Matthew Henrickson
I Can Be…
You don’t know what you want,
which is now my problem
I can be the asshole who treats you like shit
I can be the jerk you want to hit
I can be the dick you love to hate
Or I can be the funny guy on a date
I can be whoever you need
I can be the one who takes the lead
I can be nice and just about you
I can never lie and always be true
Or I can be me
And treat you the way you should be
Knowing the best words to say
The best things to do
Always being there, to take care of you.
I can be your world
I can be all you need
I can be the one
You just have to let me.
Risking My Heart
The idea is nice, until reality sinks in
For you it’s not if, but when
I can only go on so long
With the dream that we belong together
I can’t wait until your ready
I don’t know if you will ever be.
You promise me the world,
That I don’t know if we will ever see.
You ask for time that I’ve already lost
You want to find yourself, at my hearts cost
It’s about you until your ready for me
But how long will it take you to truly see?
You are risking love, you’ve been risking my heart
And you continue to, the longer we are apart.
It’s this life or the next
It’s me or them
It comes down to one decision
It comes down to time
And if in time, you can’t make that decision
It will be made for you.
And we will be lost forever.
I wanted to write, to get it out. The feelings the words the thoughts. Everything. But it’s so intense and all over the place I can’t get one clear idea out.
I have put everything into being with you. I have worked what felt like forever just so we had something. Something that was OURS. Our own things, our own lives, not being dependent on anyone else but each other. I am finally at that place in my life, and now you aren’t there.
Once again you’ve put yourself over me, while I have sacrificed everything for you. Again you are selfish, only seeing your side. Again you’re lies are your own, while I only have true words for you. It’s not about me, as if it ever was. I can only give you so much before I lose myself, and that’s where I feel I am going. I am lost. The worst part is you don’t even care. Or maybe you do, and everything is just fucked up.
The darkness is back
The battle is over
Our time is up
The game was lost
In the end I paid the cost
My damaged heart, broken again.
I can’t explain the pain I feel
Betrayed can’t be the right word
But one doesn’t exist
I’ve made you my life
And with it taken away
I feel like I have nothing left.
If you are everything and I am nothing,
What do I have now?
Fork in the Road
May 21st, 2010
As we continue on our path
I can no longer guide you
Making your choices isn’t fair to you
And lying to me about what you do
Isn’t fair to me.
This long path we’ve been walking on
No longer makes sense, it hasn’t
I’ve demanded more from you
That you don’t want to give
I’ve given you time
That I didn’t feel I had
Now it’s time for you
To reach that fork in the road
I will be on one side
With open arms, hoping you will join me
My heart wide open, always loving you
On the other side will be your own path
Without me, after so long
Making your own choices, only you to blame
Throughout I can’t be selfish
I want to bring you to that fork in the road
For you to choose for yourself
Regardless of what I feel
I only want,
Maybe then, I will find mine.
by Matthew Henrickson
Losing the Fight
May 20th, 2010
Has it been a waste?
A ghost of a past relationship
Before it was just us,
Us against the world
Backed in a corner
Fighting to be heard
Fighting to be taken seriously
Fighting for each other.
But now the fight has turned against me
I no longer have the partner I once had
Now I am fighting against you
Fighting for you
It feels like the match is coming to an end
The bell is going to sound any minute
And in the end
I feel like I am on the losing team.
The taste of blood is in my mouth
I’ve been hit below the belt too many times
My body aches, my heart is bruised
Drenched in sweat
Scars show how I’ve been abused
I don’t want the world,
I don’t need it all
My only wish now
Is for you
To be back in my corner.
By Matthew Henrickson
I’m angry at the outcome
We always knew that it would be tough
But I always thought we could make it through
I’m angry that you took me for granted
And I didn’t know what to do
And when I told you… it was too late
I’m angry that I lost you to no one but myself
I wished for other things since I had you
But while I was wishing, you walked away
I’m angry that I thought I needed more
While all along I had you
I thought I’d never lose you, until you were gone.
I’m angry that my heart breaks everyday
Since we just aren’t ‘right’
I’ve never been so lost and alone all night
I’m angry that we let it get this far
And ruin something that was special
I’m angry that I’ve lost it all
Just when I thought I was on top
I’m angry that you became my world
And just like that, my world is empty.
“I think I’ve been spoiled by the past, because the present isn’t enough.” – Matthew Henrickson
After I put this quote on my Facebook I got asked what brought it on. My response:
Just thinking about the past. What really brought it on was I went out for a few hours. I had texted a few people while i was out and all that. When i got home no one had texted me back… no one had missed me.
I just feel alone sometimes. No one needs me anymore, no one seems to want me. I’m not desired, called upon, checked on. I’m just me. And being me is lonely.