Words of a Poet

I Can Be…

You don’t know what you want,
which is now my problem
I can be the asshole who treats you like shit
I can be the jerk you want to hit
I can be the dick you love to hate
Or I can be the funny guy on a date

I can be whoever you need
I can be the one who takes the lead
I can be nice and just about you
I can never lie and always be true

Or I can be me
And treat you the way you should be
Knowing the best words to say
The best things to do
Always being there, to take care of you.

I can be your world
I can be all you need
I can be the one
You just have to let me.

Risking My Heart

The idea is nice, until reality sinks in
For you it’s not if, but when
I can only go on so long
With the dream that we belong together
I can’t wait until your ready
I don’t know if you will ever be.
You promise me the world,
That I don’t know if we will ever see.

You ask for time that I’ve already lost
You want to find yourself, at my hearts cost
It’s about you until your ready for me
But how long will it take you to truly see?
You are risking love, you’ve been risking my heart
And you continue to, the longer we are apart.

It’s this life or the next
It’s me or them
It comes down to one decision
It comes down to time
And if in time, you can’t make that decision
It will be made for you.
And we will be lost forever.

I wanted to write, to get it out. The feelings the words the thoughts. Everything. But it’s so intense and all over the place I can’t get one clear idea out.

I have put everything into being with you. I have worked what felt like forever just so we had something. Something that was OURS. Our own things, our own lives, not being dependent on anyone else but each other. I am finally at that place in my life, and now you aren’t there.

Once again you’ve put yourself over me, while I have sacrificed everything for you. Again you are selfish, only seeing your side. Again you’re lies are your own, while I only have true words for you. It’s not about me, as if it ever was. I can only give you so much before I lose myself, and that’s where I feel I am going. I am lost. The worst part is you don’t even care. Or maybe you do, and everything is just fucked up.

Broken Again

The darkness is back
The battle is over
Our time is up
The game was lost
In the end I paid the cost
My damaged heart, broken again.

I can’t explain the pain I feel
Betrayed can’t be the right word
But one doesn’t exist
I’ve made you my life
And with it taken away
I feel like I have nothing left.

If you are everything and I am nothing,
What do I have now?

Fork in the Road
May 21st, 2010

As we continue on our path
I can no longer guide you
Making your choices isn’t fair to you
And lying to me about what you do
Isn’t fair to me.

This long path we’ve been walking on
No longer makes sense, it hasn’t
I’ve demanded more from you
That you don’t want to give
I’ve given you time
That I didn’t feel I had

Now it’s time for you
To reach that fork in the road
I will be on one side
With open arms, hoping you will join me
My heart wide open, always loving you

On the other side will be your own path
Without me, after so long
Making your own choices, only you to blame

Throughout I can’t be selfish
I want to bring you to that fork in the road
For you to choose for yourself
Regardless of what I feel
I only want,
Your Happiness.
Maybe then, I will find mine.

by Matthew Henrickson

Losing the Fight
May 20th, 2010

Has it been a waste?
A ghost of a past relationship
Before it was just us,
Us against the world
Backed in a corner
Fighting to be heard
Fighting to be taken seriously
Fighting for each other.

But now the fight has turned against me
I no longer have the partner I once had
Now I am fighting against you
Fighting for you
It feels like the match is coming to an end
The bell is going to sound any minute
And in the end
I feel like I am on the losing team.

The taste of blood is in my mouth
I’ve been hit below the belt too many times
My body aches, my heart is bruised
Drenched in sweat
Scars show how I’ve been abused

I don’t want the world,
I don’t need it all
My only wish now
Is for you
To be back in my corner.

By Matthew Henrickson

I’m Angry…

I’m angry at the outcome
We always knew that it would be tough
But I always thought we could make it through

I’m angry that you took me for granted
And I didn’t know what to do
And when I told you… it was too late

I’m angry that I lost you to no one but myself
I wished for other things since I had you
But while I was wishing, you walked away

I’m angry that I thought I needed more
While all along I had you
I thought I’d never lose you, until you were gone.

I’m angry that my heart breaks everyday
Since we just aren’t ‘right’
I’ve never been so lost and alone all night

I’m angry that we let it get this far
And ruin something that was special

I’m angry that I’ve lost it all
Just when I thought I was on top

I’m angry that you became my world
And just like that, my world is empty.

“I think I’ve been spoiled by the past, because the present isn’t enough.” – Matthew Henrickson

After I put this quote on my Facebook I got asked what brought it on. My response:

Just thinking about the past. What really brought it on was I went out for a few hours. I had texted a few people while i was out and all that. When i got home no one had texted me back… no one had missed me.

I just feel alone sometimes. No one needs me anymore, no one seems to want me. I’m not desired, called upon, checked on. I’m just me. And being me is lonely.

Fighting the Night
3/19/2010

Not drinking the bottle, has made my mind clear
Every night facing my biggest fear
Reliving pain, hurt, and deep sorrow
Never forgetting the images when I wake up tomorrow
Seeing myself cry in pain
Hurts more than living through it.

Since I’m not numb my mind races
It’s not easy keeping those bad thoughts out
Fighting that addiction
That has been killing me slowly
Long enough to keep me alive
To feel pain again.

Innocent Love
by Matthew Henrickson

It started so fast
And it has lasted so long
An innocent love
Young and immature
But thrown into adulthood so soon.

Our love has always survived
As if it was meant to be
Creating not only love
But another beautiful life.

Through truth and lies
Laughs and cries
Your smile has always shown through
But what happens when
That big grin
Dies and becomes something blue.

Will our love always be true?

I haven’t written in forever, but I have a feeling that is just the first to come. I feel like I am at a place that I hate being in. My life just feels like a fight.

I haven’t updated in forever. I haven’t forgot about you all with the submitted poetry. I’ve never really been as successful as I have been now. My site, Its All Free Online, has really taken off and I put in tons of time there.

Today my new friend John shared a tragic story on his blog. For some reason I felt compelled to share how I felt about my dad and how death has affected me. Sometimes I just think how it would be different had he not died. The two most important people in my life, will never get to know the man that I loved and loved me. I can’t imagine someone NOT liking him, he was that guy. I only hope he is proud of me.

The point of this post is to share the comment I left on John’s blog.

My dad died 1 month before my girlfriend got pregnant (I was 18). It was at the end of my first college semester. I took time off school, completed the classes, but never went back.

I tear up as I write about stuff like that. It’s something that I took really hard for a while and just kind of put away. Now when I talk or write about it, it’s really hard for me.

I was always pretty close with my dad and the months before he died we had grown farther apart. I always tried to make it better, then he would call me drunk and say mean things. He never did that to me ever… I didn’t know how to handle it. I was always his boy, and for him to treat me that way I was heartbroken. Through that hurt I wanted to hate him.

I watch these dumb shows and these kids get to make up with their father etc (that dumbass teen mom show!) I’ll never get to do that :-/

Thanks for the vent man, your not alone